Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
