we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Couch. On fire.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
