Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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