I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
