i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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