guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
