I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
