i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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