I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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