if i can run in heels then i can drive
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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