i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
