and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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