we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's not cheating when I paid for it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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