Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
