so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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