She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize