I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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