In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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