so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
