can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
