Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
