On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
