Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
