Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
should my penis look like a turkey
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
