They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
