I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
