Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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