Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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