My nipple is on Facebook.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
