This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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