Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
