I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
