i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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