If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
