I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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