I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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