Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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