does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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