True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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