just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.