I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
