I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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