I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
