lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
