Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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