I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
