Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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