I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your cock deserves a montage
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
