This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
