don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
being pregnant is like rehab
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
