just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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