I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
