i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
