I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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