Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
