You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
