Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
