he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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