I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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