nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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