dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think im going to throw up on grandma
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
